So how would you write this?

I suppose I would erase it:

And here was the recipe:

"Use no superfluous word, no adjective, which does not reveal something. Don't use such an expression as 'dim land of piece.' It dulls the image. It mixes an abstraction with the concrete. It comes from the writer's not realizing that the natural object is always the adequate symbol. Go in fear of abstractions. "~ Ezra Pound